No, I am not a terrorist. Thanks for asking.

I spent part of Monday being fingerprinted and signing over my first-born child to British immigration officials. Well, technically they were American officials working in cahoots with the Brits.

I have to say filling out the visa application was one of the most stressful things I've done in a long time. And I'm pretty sure the Brits have designed it to produce exactly this reaction.

For starters, there is no single set of directions, no one checklist in an easy-to-find place. Instead the process is like a scavenger hunt meets a choose-your-own-adventure book. Only less fun and whimsical.

There are pages of rules governing the application process and then pages more explaining those rules. Lots of phrases you've never heard of like "differentiation agreements..." and "Academic Technology Approval Schemes." Not to mention the random references to obscure subsections in British immigration law, which you must hunt down, translate, and which usually end up referring you to another obscure subsection anyway.  

And this is all just to determine whether you actually qualify to apply. The application is a whole other maze of If/then statements and indecipherable legal jargon.  

Not that I'm complaining. My application is, afterall, still being reviewed by British immigration officials who, I am sure, are bloody brilliant. Also, handsome, charming, and exceptional dancers to boot (wink).

Anyhoo, the whole process had me so anxious I had to think very hard about the correct answer to: "Have you engaged in any other activities that might indicate that you may not be considered a person of good character?"

Seriously.

My mind immediately flashed to my 5-year-old self pocketing a mini-bottle of Elmer's Glue at our local drug store. My mom made me return it and offer a tearful apology. But still, what kind of a monster steals Elmer's Glue? A crafty one? Yes. But was this a tell-tale sign of poor character? Hmmmmm. Granted, I never graduated to stealing rubber cement, and my reckless crime spree ended with just the one incident.

Ultimately, I chalked it up to youthful indiscretion and checked "no" on the poor character question. But it did make me wonder how many people actually check 'yes' to this question and the whole host of questions about things like whether you've engaged in genocide or war crimes or whether you've ever been a terrorist.

So, just to clarify: I am a reformed glue thief. I am NOT a terrorist. Thanks for asking.

{Images via UCL}